It’s been 2 years since my car accident. I experienced a major change in my perspective regarding the significant people in my life and important life events, acceptance to life and how I respond to situations.
Every day I pass my crash site on my way to work and I think about the crash every.single.time. I think about the boy losing control of his vehicle. I think about the angels who pulled over to comfort me. I think about my poor little car and how it saved my life and how lucky I was to be alive.
I remember the crash as if it had happened yesterday.
I almost died, and that still pops up at me in different ways even to this day.
One moment can have life-changing consequences. It can cancel plans, cost money that you don’t have, and worst of all, it can take away the coat of security that you believe you had been wearing. My invincibility had been shattered. To this day, I don’t feel entirely safe in any vehicle. The crash makes every journey unpredictable to me. It showed me how quickly accidents occur, and how little time there is to react. The feeling that I can’t shake, to this day, is a feeling of dread about what would have happened to my family had I been killed or paralyzed. But apparently that’s normal, and might never go away.
Accidents remind us that we’re not in control. The thing is, we control many things in our lives until we don’t. I’ve seen videos and photos of vehicles with far fewer impact damages than mine which resulted in fatalities, and I ask, how did I survive?
On Saturday 2nd September 2017, I ignored the “signs”. I woke up and messaged my (then) boyfriend (now ex – but that’s a story for another time) and best friend, Lee.
Sign #1 I felt like I didn’t want to go to work. I made up my mind after having second thoughts and discussing it, that I will stay home. Then around 10.30am, I saw a message from my manager asking if I was in work. So I changed my mind and decided to work my hours for the day.
Sign #2 I couldn’t leave home because I was waiting on one of the AC technicians to return to finish fix my AC. So I messaged my manager and said I’ll be in after lunch.
Sign #3 When I was about to get dressed around 12.00pm, I couldn’t change in my room because the AC was in the process of being repaired.
Sign #4 So I decided to change in the bathroom, but door wouldn’t open; it felt as though it was locked. I thought someone was using it until I realized it was empty and I tried 3 times and it didn’t budge. So I had to use my body weight and I pushed it open.
The Accident
I was driving to work a little after 1 pm.
I know this whole thing occurred in just a few seconds at most, but time truly seemed to slow down; my perception of time may have been altered. I can still recall distinctly separate events that must have occurred over 1-2 seconds at most: I heard screeching, the realization that another car had hit me. It felt like multiple cars hitting me from all sides. The impact was insanely loud and detailed, metal folding, glass breaking, tyres screeches. The sound of the impact was massive and terrifying.
What happens is that stress, anxiety, and awareness strikes your body like lightning. You are extremely alert with adrenaline. You react with your instincts, which are not techniques to avoid a collision. You try to survive from what your brain can process. When you get into a collision, you hang onto the steering wheel so hard, thinking you can be stronger than the force of impact. You unleash super strength, but it’s not even close to being enough.
I didn’t do anything when the car hit my car. I didn’t swerve, I didn’t hit the brake, I didn’t even take my foot off the accelerator. I didn’t scream, my hands clamped vice-tight around the steering wheel, my foot barely reaching the pedal.
My car got pushed into the cable barriers. I saw the cables burst or the cable post came out. The only thing that happened was me thinking “Oh my God, this is it, I’m going to die”. Because I thought we were going to burst through those cables and end up on the ditch or the other side of the highway.
I held onto the steering wheel and waited. Then. Everything went black. I think I lost minimum consciousness. No life flashing before my eyes, just thoughts of my loved ones; my parents, my brother and the then boyfriend. I saw the people that loved me and the people that I loved.
There was a feeling of unconditional love, of divine love, that I had never experienced before. When I was experiencing this, it felt timeless like it was not part of this world. It’s a really weird feeling that I got. A peace and complete acceptance of the situation. I felt this warmness which enveloped me. I didn’t know how long I had but I took the moment to appreciate my life and accept that it was going to be over and I remembered feeling no fear and no regrets about my life, but a strange sense of calmness covered me.
Then, something very weird happened and to this day I still have no logical explanations. I have no recollection of what happened, I may have concussed momentarily, I felt spinning and my eyes opened for a split second and I saw a huge tree and I thought I was going to crash into it, the car spun again in another direction, across the three lanes of the highway. Boom. Seconds later, there was a second impact. The car stopped, and I stopped. I crashed straight into the metal crash barrier. The airbags didn’t deploy.
The adrenaline rush came right after it. Shocked. When I opened my eyes I was still holding on to the wheel. I realize I’m alive, I quickly checked my legs, arms and then assessed the situation which means, I was worried that another vehicle would slam into me now that I was no longer moving and on the highway. In a panic, I began to look around and tried to get my bearings as to where I was. I became hysterical trying to find a way out. I struggled to get my seat belt off. Glass everywhere. “How do I get out?” because the door couldn’t open on the drivers’ side and the passengers’ side.
I was disoriented and trapped for a moment. What felt like a couple of seconds later I was fumbling to (a) take my car keys out (which I eventually left in the car and (b) get out.
My recollection here is fragile, people stopped to assist and ask if I needed an ambulance. I’ll never be able to express what that meant to me. I never knew any of their names. “Are you ok? You sure you don’t want an ambulance?” I was crying uncontrollably. I was shaking, trembling, as I tried to dial. “I think I’m ok, I don’t know about the other driver(s)”. Because at this point, I did not know who hit me and how many vehicles were involved in the accident.
I felt like ripping my jeans off to check my left knee because it was throbbing, having smashed into the steering column. I thought I wasn’t hurt – but I’d banged my knee on the dash. I didn’t feel pain but it was just hot, maybe it was the adrenaline. I wasn’t hurt, so I sat in a van because rain started pouring down while I awaited the emergency services with some strangers that stayed with me.
My brother and my Dad showed up about 10 minutes later. My dad looked at my car. He looked relieved and was silent.
I was very lucky. My car did everything it was supposed to; absorbing the impact and keeping me unharmed. My car was totaled which makes me sad, but, man am I happy to be alive!
I felt sore and I thought, why does my neck hurt. Oh, that’s right, I had an accident. In the following two weeks, I suffered intermittent dizziness, apparently, that’s normal from a serious knock to the head. It was very concerning though – I worried (still do) whether there’s some long term effect that just hasn’t shown yet.
After the accident, the car was parked at home and I was afraid of looking at the car. Because everytime I did, I felt so emotional; sad, happy, and thankful. Then eventually, I would go sit in the driver seat and release the emotional feelings I had. Every time I did though, I had to climb out the same way I exited the car on the day of the accident. I think it really helped my healing phase; to help me get back into another vehicle.
Accidents serve a purpose. It called me out of my routine and required me, in one way or another, to grow. I grew so much in the months following the accident than I had all the years of my life. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and start all over. I overcame my PTSD after a few months of counselling and I overcame my fear of driving. I realized how strong I was emotionally and mentally. I am now stronger than I have ever been, and gained a new super power; my heightened sense of danger.
“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.”
